


The Smallest Twine

by lodessa



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Difficult Decisions, F/M, Matchmaking, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 17:49:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7116166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lodessa/pseuds/lodessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn Janeway has always been pragmatic, but this time she's not sure whether it's her mind or her heart calling the shots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Smallest Twine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lauawill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauawill/gifts).



> This fic is set in approximately 2365, in an alternate timeline in which one small difference is going to have large effects. I have used some details from both Memory Alpha and Beta, but also adjusted as needed (after all this is an alternate timeline). 
> 
> Originally, this was supposed to be a simple tumblr ficlet prompt in which someone tried to set the characters up on a blind date and they didn't have the heart to tell the person they'd already met. Instead, it ended up spawning a whole universe which I expect to write three fics in (the second and third set in 2368 and probably around 2370 respectively).
> 
> I hope you still enjoy it, Laura.

“I’m fine, Will. Really,” Kathryn insisted, shaking her head, “I don’t need anyone… least of all you... to sweep in with some grand matchmaking scheme.

When she’d run into her her friend from their academy days, William Riker, on the shuttle to Earth yesterday, (he happened to be guest lecturing at the Academy at the same time she was on site having been summoned by Starfleet Command) Kathryn had been more than happy to agree to meet him for lunch. She’d figured he’d have plenty of interesting stories to tell her about life onboard the Federation’s flagship as its first officer and it was always nice to see a familiar face. It was a choice she was now regretting, having forgotten how obnoxiously forward Will could be.

“Cut the crap, Kate.”

Yes she’d met Will during that awkward phase where she was insistently trying to break away from being Katie but had not yet grown into Kathryn.

“What crap?” 

“The part where you act like it’s fine that you subsist solely off coffee and ambition and date only men who are so boring they don’t distract from your laser focus on your career.”

“You’re one to talk, Will.”

She rolled her eyes, hoping he wouldn’t notice she was hiding something, a very different motive for not wanting to be set up on a blind date.

“Come on,” Will pressed, “It’s one measly date and the guy is so your type I could just kiss myself for thinking of it.”

“I thought my type was boring?” Kathryn laughed.

“No,” Will shook his head, “I mean your real type. You forget I know what really gets under your skin,” his knowing grin faded to something more earnest as her glare threatened to vaporize him. After all, they’d all sworn that spring break would never be mentioned again by any of them… ever, “This guy… I couldn’t have programmed one that’s more Future Mr. Kate Janeway material if I’d tried.”

“Fine,” she sighed, “I’ll meet this dream date of yours… If only to prove just how wrong you are.”

“You won’t regret it,” he smirked, and Kathryn wondered how she was going to explain to the man she was pretty sure she was in love with that she’d agreed to go out on a blind date when he already didn’t get her insistence that their relationship stay a secret.

Chakotay thought she was paranoid in thinking that if Starfleet had any idea that she was in a relationship, a sort of wildwind romance that somehow felt permanent, with one of its academy professors they’d be a whole lot less likely to offer her her own command. She’d seen the numbers though, single officers had a much steeper career trajectory up the command ladder than those attached to other officers. 

“I’ll be the judge of that,” she shook her head, “I recall you telling me that once about that disastrous-”

“Now, Kate.. I thought we weren’t digging up things we agreed to leave buried. Just meet me at nineteen hundred hours at that little restaurant your dad used to treat us all to when he was feeling magnanimous and I’ll make the introductions.” 

“Fine,” she shrugged, getting up out of her seat as she downed the last of her coffee, “I’ll see you tonight.”

The walk across the grounds to Admiral Owen Paris’ office hadn’t given her any better of an idea about how to explain herself to Chakotay. After all, it was likely that they weren't going to have another opportunity where she was on earth for more than a day or two any time soon, and she was sacrificing one of their evenings. Maybe she should just introduce him and Will and let him see how himself of annoying the man could be.

“Katie,” Owen smiled, waving her into a seat, “It’s so good to see you. Look at you. Your father would be so proud.”

“I guess that means I’m not here to be court marshalled,” she remarked, trying to conceal her very real nervousness about just what she might have been summoned for. 

This trip to headquarters hadn’t been just for the purpose indulging her increasingly strong attachment to Chakotay, enjoyable side benefit though that might be, and now that she was here in Owen’s office the anticipation and anxiety about just what Command had brought her for came welling back up. 

“On the contrary, you’re being promoted,” he chuckled, “Congratulations, Captain.”

Captain. Kathryn hadn’t thought that was a possibility so soon, though, two years ago she hadn’t expected to be put in command of the Billings either. Still, she’d thought she must be another year out to actual captaincy. 

“Thank you, sir,” she managed, too surprised and excited to manage anything more elaborate.

“You deserve this, Katie,” Owen smiled, “I always figured you’d make captain faster than any of the other ensigns who’ve served under me.”

“So I suppose I’m being reassigned, or I wouldn’t have been called back to Earth for the news.”

Kathryn’s mind was whirring with too many ideas at once. Should probably have said something about how honored she was or how she wouldn’t be sitting here now if Owen hadn’t been the one to convince her to head in the direction of command.

“You’re actually being given options,” he replied.

“Good options?” she hesitated.

“I’ll let you decide for yourself,” he said but clearly from his grin he thought she would be pleased, “Command is willing to offer you a ship right now, the USS Bonestell. She’s scheduled to depart for a deep space mission next month. On the other hand, there’s a new class of starship being developed, the Intrepid class, intended for science missions, lean and sleek with a revolutionary new bio-circuitry. If you take the Bonestell you will probably be out in deep space when she launches, but you could take a temporary assignment, teach at the academy or there’s some very promising research into warp harmonics that could certainly use your expertise, and then you’d be at the top of the list for the new prototype in two years.”

She suddenly saw where command wasn’t wrong about the whole relationship business. Staying here for a while, on the ground, finding out what she and Chakotay could maybe be… that was almost as strong a lure as the prospect of a cutting edge new ship. Together: she wasn’t sure she could resist both.

“I’m going to forward the schematics for the new line to you,” Owen told her, “Take a week or two to enjoy San Francisco, go visit your mother, before you make a decision.”

Having served under him, Kathryn liked and respected Admiral Paris, and she appreciated the courtesy of his being the one to talk with her about her future prospects. It could have been any number of less friendly faces.

That said, she still left his office feeling agitated, excited but nervous.

Looking at the sun overhead, Kathryn realized that Chakotay was probably out of class by now and she should tell him she wouldn’t be able to make it for dinner, after all. Though, she really wanted to cancel on Will and spend the evening celebrating with Chakotay instead.

“Kathryn…” Chakotay sounded a little on edge on the other end of the comm, “I’ve got some bad news.”

Her heart sank. He was already having a bad day and now she was about to add to it.

“Oh?” she asked as innocently as she could.

“I’ve gotten strong armed into going to dinner with one of the guest lecturers tonight. You know I’d rather spend the evening with you…”

“It’s fine,” she tried to hide her relief, “Do you think the evening will go late? We could always have a nightcap afterwards.”

“That kind of thinking is why you are headed straight to the top.”

She could hear his dimpled grin in the tone of his voice, visualize the tilt of his head. The thought warmed her and she ached to be near him, to bask in his open affection, to rest in his comforting arms. 

“About that…” she hesitated, “I met with Admiral Paris today and… Well I’ll tell you about it later.”

“They’re promoting you, aren’t they?” Chakotay somehow knew.

“Yes. But how’d you guess?”

“Your voice,” he answered, “It also was obvious that’s where this little trip was heading from the beginning… to those of us who aren’t trapped inside your head.” She doubted that, it was more likely his feelings for her coloring his perspective. “Should I tell that lecturer that I can’t make it after all so we can celebrate?”

“No,” she told him although she really wanted to say yes, “An old friend wanted to meet up anyway. We can talk about it later, or tomorrow if you don’t have too early of a start.”

“Nothing until noon,” he paused, “I will make breakfast in the morning and we’ll go over it then if you get back too late tonight… okay?”

“Sounds great,” she smiled thinking about a leisurely morning in bed with him… motivation to get through the evening and back to his apartment, “Can you program the door to let me in?”

“I kept it that way after your last visit. Any time you want to surprise me with a visit, be my guest.”

Chakotay was leaving his door open to her: indefinitely. He wasn’t worried about her walking in unannounced… even when he expected her to be off planet. They hadn’t talked about it, being exclusive, but that was a pretty clear message. From someone else it would feel pushy, too fast and too much, but from him it just felt welcoming and warm.

“You might live to regret that, mister,” she teased but a tingling sensation of emotion overtook her nonetheless. 

“Never, Captain,” his voice sounded like a promise.

What was she doing? She had to ask herself the question. She couldn’t make her decision based on him and yet maybe she should cancel on Will. There were plenty of people who made it up the ranks despite relationships with other officers after all. Maybe she should be open about the hold Chakotay seemed to have on her. That was what scared her, though, the idea that she could so easily be swayed by her feelings for him rather than the best career move. Deep space… if she took that option this budding relationship didn’t stand a chance.

If nothing else, Will might understand the professional elements of her dilemma. After all, as she’d heard it, he had turned down multiple chances at command in order to stay on the Enterprise. Was that a logical decision? Or was there more to that story than she had been getting from fleet gossip?

She would keep her word and show up to meet this mystery man of his, even if it was utterly pointless.

Will flagged her down as she entered the restaurant, waving her over to what had always been their favorite booth.

“And here I thought I was early.”

“You are… he’s not here yet. I just got here even earlier to make sure you didn’t back out on me.”

“When have I ever backed out on a dare, William Riker?”

“There’s always a first,” he countered, “Besides, I wanted to get a start on the wine, before you showed up and hogged it all.”

“I never…” 

“Oh really. Tell me who it was who third year decided to-”

“As if you didn’t drink up all my whiskey on multiple occasions.”

“Am I interrupting something?” 

Kathryn almost jumped at the familiar voice behind her.

“Not at all,” Riker smiled and stood up, “Kathryn Janeway meet Chakotay, he’s the guy I’ve been telling you about.”

Kathryn turned to face him, not sure what to say. Surely Riker hadn’t actually been trying to set her up with her actual secret boyfriend? 

“Will has been taking my Tactics classes off my hands for the last few days,” Chakotay finally said, breaking the awkward silence.

“Ironic, considering how many times he ditched that one when we were at the academy and had to borrow my notes,” she replied.

Her words sounded ridiculous said aloud. This had been a terrible plan. She had no idea how to act. Clearly she couldn’t go ahead and reveal that she already knew and was involved with Chakotay now, but what must he think?

“Maybe you should have been the one lecturing about contingency plans in cases of possible subterfuge instead then.”

Chakotay tugged on his ear, still standing awkwardly. She watched his jaw visibly tighten, mouth narrowing. 

“Oh, Will’s always been an expert when it comes to subterfuge…” Kathryn shook her head, “Do sit down, Mister Chakotay.”

Will poured them all generous glasses of wine. Kathryn could feel the heat radiating off Chakotay beside her, and had to actively resist the urge to take his hand in hers under the table.

“I’ve been telling Kathryn all about your interest in Anthropology,” Will lied charmingly.

“Isn’t that an interest shared by your captain, Will?” Kathryn recalled, turning the conversation back to him so that she could have a moment to try and figure out how to navigate the situation.

“As a matter of fact it is. Captain Picard is extremely passionate about Archeology particularly, but the study of any culture fascinates him.”

“And what fascinates you these days, Will? I’ve heard that you have refused four different offers of command to stay on the Enterprise.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Chakotay’s pinched expression and hunched defensive posture, and a stab of guilt pierced through her anxiety. She risked reaching out under the table to place her hand on his knee in an attempt at reassurance.

“Afraid of the big chair?” Chakotay offered, shoulders relaxing slightly in response to her touch.

“Not at all,” Will insisted, “It’s more… well I love the Enterprise.”

“The Enterprise?” Kathryn raised her eyes in skepticism, “Are you sure it’s the ship and not some-”

“It’s hard to explain, Kate,” Will interrupted, “Maybe that’s the reason that men have always referred to ships as though they were women. I’ve always enjoyed both, but it’s different when you meet the one. Maybe you’ll see someday if you’re lucky enough to find yours.”

“So you’ve met _the one_ , have you?” Kathryn chuckled suggestively, both entertained and unsettled to see Will hung up this way.

Part of the reason they’d been such fast friends, despite some disagreements, was that ultimately they shared the same priorities. Kathryn realized that she’d been half hoping that Will would tell her it was strategic, that he was making more connections on the Enterprise than he would on his own ship, that staying there was the smart career move. Instead, he had admitted to it being sentimental.

 _Can I afford the same luxury?_ she had to wonder. Will seemed happy, content in a way she’d never seen him, relaxed even.

“I meant the ship,” he insisted, but there was something in the way he said it: the sincerity of a half truth.

“Well, whether it’s a ship or a person, I applaud you for having the courage to freely admit what matters to you and hold on, everyone else’s opinion be damned,” Chakotay interjected, raising his glass to toast.

She knew that comment was directed at her and she couldn’t exactly blame him. Why couldn’t she have at least admitted to Will that they knew each other? What was she so afraid of? This wasn’t like her. Kathryn had had plenty of relationships over the years, without feeling the need for secrecy, but somehow this thing with Chakotay she felt the need to protect from prying eyes.

“If that’s the whole truth,” she felt the need to counter, “But sometimes what feels best to say doesn’t fully admit all of the various reasons weighing in on our decisions. We so rarely have only one motivation influencing our decisions.”

Will raised his eyebrows, evidently finally getting wind that there was something going on here other than her ribbing him about his history of romantic misadventures.

“You always did feel the need to make everything complicated,” he shrugged, “I guess it’s good to know some things never change.”

“Just because you don’t want to acknowledge complexity in something doesn’t mean it isn’t there,” she shot back.

“I feel as though I’m intruding on something…” Chakotay shifted, “Maybe I’d better go.”

“No!” they both insisted in unision.

“I’m sorry, Will and I have known each other for a long time,” Kathryn squeezed Chakotay’s leg under the table as she spoke, “And we’ve never managed to break our initial habit of arguing until we both end up screaming.”

“Is that why the two of you broke up?” Chakotay ventured, and Kathryn suddenly realized why he was being so edgy.

“Broke…” Both Kathryn and Will collapsed in laughter, “I think you misunderstood. The only things we I were ever partners in were Parises Squares and debate.”

Chakotay looked back and forth between them, evidently wary and perplexed.

“I actually invited Kate here; because, I thought the two of you would hit it off.”

“And just what about me made you think I needed your matchmaking assistance?”

“Call it an intuition,” Will replied, moving to stand, “Anyway, I think I’d better go, let you two get a chance to know each other, without me taking up space.”

“I’m not sure what to say…”

“Say thank you, man,” Will grinned as he leaned over the table, putting on leg up on the edge of the booth and leaning in to make a show like he was whispering, “And do yourself a favor and don’t ask her about microgenic particles unless you want a three hour lecture.”

“Care to explain what all that was about?” Chakotay turned to her and asked, as soon as they’d both watched Will exit through the front door.

“Will really is an old friend from my academy days and apparently he thought we’d be perfect for each other,” Kathryn shook her head, cupping the side of his face sighing, “That’s all there is to it.”

“And you didn’t bother to tell him he was right, or even that we’d met before because...” 

Chakotay furrowed his brow in a way that shouldn’t have been adorable on a grown man but made her want to press kisses against his forehead.

“Habit I guess,” she shrugged, “Besides, if we fed that giant ego of his, his head might actually get so big he wouldn’t have been able to get out the door.”

“That’s a very entertaining evasion, Kathryn,” Chakotay sighed, not letting it go as she had hoped he might.

“You don’t sound entertained.”

“I just want to know what it is. Why are you ashamed of me?” Chakotay sighed and his shoulders slumped, “You keep coming up with increasingly more elaborate justifications to keep us a secret, so what is it?”

“Oh, Chakotay,” she took his face in her hands, “I’ve been asking myself why it feels so important to keep our relationship a secret constantly today. It’s not that, though. Any woman would be proud to have you at her side. I think it’s just that this… us… feels so important to me, that I don’t want to risk any outside interference. Being with you… I find I’m vulnerable in a way I’m not accustomed to being.”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Kathryn.”

“I believe you,” Kathryn pressed her forehead to his, breathing in his closeness, “What concerns me is how much I believe you, how much I want to throw caution to the wind and believe that six months of scattered shore leaves together could promise a future for us.”

“So you are saying that you don’t want to publicize our relationship because you believe we have a future? That is one of the strangest things I’ve heard you say and you’ve shared some pretty unorthodox ideas with me.”

“When you put it like that, it seems pretty darned illogical.”

“Kathryn-” he started, but she cut him off with a press of her lips to his, taking the public display they were making from affectionate to explicitly romantic.

“There’s things I have to figure out, Chakotay. My next posting might not allow us to pursue this the way we might want, but I’m not ashamed of us.”

“And your concerns about the comorbidity of relationship status and career trajectory?”

“I guess I’ll just have to beat the odds.”

The next kiss was longer, less rushed, and Kathryn found she was grateful that Will had left early. There was no way that she would have managed to keep her hands off Chakotay for a whole evening if Will had stayed.

“What do you say we skip dinner and go straight to dessert?” she suggested at last.

“You’re sure you aren’t just trying to get me out of sight?” he grinned back at her, beamed even.

“Well…” she purred, “We could stay and have dinner, but I should warn you I won’t be keeping my hands to myself.”

She watched Chakotay swallow as she ran her hands up his thighs.

“What if someone sees you?” he dared.

“Well then, they’d know you are spoken for,” she risked.

They were out of the restaurant and back to Chakotay’s apartment in less than fifteen minutes.

“I don’t want to jinx this, but what changed your mind?” Chakotay managed, between shutting the door and being pressed against it by the full force of her body.

“It might have been the absurdity of this whole evening,” she offered, pressing up onto the balls of her feet to follow the curve of his ear with her lips, “I mean if I’d just told Will in the first place that I was seeing someone he never would have invited either of us to dinner in an attempt to introduce us and we could have been back here hours ago.”

That was part of it at least. There had just been something when Will had been talking about knowing when you’d found where you were meant to be and the way Chakotay’s hurt feelings had bled right into her. The truth was that not admitting to anyone, even him, just how much these stolen visits together had come to mean to her didn’t make them any less important, any safer, any less piercing. It wouldn’t make it hurt any less to lose this.

“When I first walked in… I thought… Well we never actually talked about being exclusive and-”

“Never!” she exclaimed, pressing kisses against his throat, knowing exactly what he’d thought, “I hope you believe me when I say that Will is just a friend.”

“I do now,” he conceded, wrapping his hands around her and lifting her up to spin them around so that she was the one against the door.

Neither of them said anything as they resumed kissing. Every time she left again, Kathryn told herself her memory was exaggerating, that Chakotay didn’t really have the ability to make her feel as though they were the only two people in the universe, that he wasn’t quite so handsome, that his arms didn’t fit just the right way around her, that his lips couldn’t possibly feel as good as they looked. Every time they saw each other again, she was faced with the reality that it was the reverse.

Bobby pins scattered on the floor, as Chakotay freed her hair from their control, running his fingers through the newly freed waves. Their first night together, he had looked at her, hair spread out around her head across the pillows, and told her it reminded him of a lion’s mane. 

“I’ll show you lion,” she’d laughed, pushing herself up and pinning him to the bed instead with her body above him. Her hair had fallen around them like a curtain as she’d leaned back down to claim his mouth, his hands on her thighs, and she had felt him shudder under her.

Now, she can’t help wondering, if she stayed would it continue like this, a struggle to make it to the bedroom? Or was the rarity part of the allure? If she could have him every night, would Chakotay become just another part of her routine?

“You’re thinking about something else? Aren’t you?” Chakotay pulled back slightly.

“Just wondering about the future,” she answered vaguely.

“The future we might have together?” he pursued.

“Yes,” she confirmed, “That one.”

“Well…” he let her go, stepping back another step, “What’s under consideration?”

“How much of this is the intrigue of secrecy and the novelty of long distance?” she walked past him to sit on the sofa, “Would it be too much pressure to expect something like this to translate into daily life?”

“Kathryn…” Chakotay, paused, hesitating before sitting beside her, “Does this have to do with what Admiral Paris told you about your next assignment?”

“Somewhat,” she acknowledged, “I can’t make my decisions based on this relationship, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to put responsibility for having affected my choice on you… but I’m still finding myself considering it.”

“Would it help or hurt for me to tell you that I think we’re worth taking a chance on? That if it were me making the decision-” he cut himself off, looking away as though he thought he’d said too much.

“I don’t know,” she sighed, “Generally I believe that the best way to make decisions is with as much information as possible, but in this case… I don’t want to resent letting you influence me.”

“I am not trying to pressure you,” he snapped, clearly offended by her reaction.

She recognized the way he was curling in on himself, just as he had every time he’d reached out a little further than she was comfortable with and she’d twisted away from it.

“I never said you were trying to…” she paused, “It doesn’t meant that I’m not being affected.”

“What am I supposed to do, Kathryn? Tell me; because, I sure don’t know what it is you want from me here.”

She couldn’t blame him for being frustrated. She knew she was giving him mixed signals, but right now this felt like Schroedinger’s relationship: either dead or alive based on which assignment she ended up taking.

“Just give me a little more time,” she put her hand on his shoulder, guiding him to face her once more, “I need to sort this one out on my own.”

“Does that mean you are going back to your assigned quarters?” he swallowed, and she did feel guilty about hurting his feelings. She needed to figure this out for herself, though.

“Not unless you are asking me to,” she pressed her hand to his chest, “Let’s just table the discussion about the future for the moment and enjoy tonight.”

“Alright,” he nodded, “And just what did you have in mind instead?”

Hesitantly a smirk widened across his face, which she returned, as she turned to swing her leg to straddle his lap.

“Well,” she bit her lip, wrapping her arms around his neck and adjusting to press her body closer to his, “I very much enjoyed where we were headed when we first walked in the door.”

“I’m not complaining, but that’s an odd transition,” he murmured, nuzzling his face into her neck.

“There is no such thing,” she disagreed, “If there’s one thing that’s always a good transition it’s-”

“Captain Janeway…” he raised his eyebrows in mock shock, “Are you just using me for my body?”

“Not exclusively…” she teased back, circling her hips ever so slightly.

There was an undercurrent of unresolved tension that was honest under there, but Kathryn ignored it, leaning in and kissing that perfect mouth of his. (Honestly, if a holoprogram character had that mouth she would have rolled her eyes at it being “unrealistic” and yet here Chakotay was wearing it around every day out in the real world.)

She started to pull open her uniform, suddenly uncomfortably warm. Chakotay reached out to trace the fading marks along her the inner curve of her breast with his fingertips and she abandoned her progress downward in favor of opening his, running her hands over the blotches of discoloration across his torso.

“I guess I was a little aggressive last night,” she remarked.

“I thoroughly enjoyed that,” he reassured her, “It made me feel like-”

“I did miss you,” she finished, before kissing him harder, pulling at his uniform to expose more of his warm skin.

“I missed you too,” he whispered against her ear, before moving on to kiss down the side of her neck.

She pulled her uniform down over her shoulders, groaning as Chakotay’s lips moved to the front of her throat and then downward.

“There last six months…” she murmured, burying her face against his hair, “Being with you…”

“That better not be the beginning of a Dear John declaration,” he interrupted, pausing his exploration of her breasts with his mouth for a moment, before moving to start working on a mirror image mark to the one from the night before.

 _He’s marking me,_ she realized, and then it occurred to her that she didn’t mind.

“I’m not breaking up with you, Chakotay,” she gasped, as his hand slid down into the bottom half of her uniform where it was still in place, “I just wanted you to know… that I don’t take you for granted.”

“You’re only saying that because you don’t want me to stop touching you.”

“Not only,” she shuddered, as his thumb brushed her clit, “I mean… I’m also hoping this is going to progress…”

Chakotay’s lips moved to one of the nipples as one of his fingers pressed inside of her and she let out a low moan.

“Like this?” he teased.

“More…” she demanded, loving the feeling as he slid a second large finger into her, pressing in both to the knuckles and letting her feel herself stretching to accommodate the change. 

He strummed that right spot on her inner wall as he ran his teeth against her nipple and an overwhelmed squeak escaped her. She rocked, riding his hand, and moved to pull her uniform down over her hips.

“Tell me,” he encouraged, “Kathryn, I love when you talk me through.”

“Don’t stop,” she groaned, putting her hands behind her on his thighs for better leverage, “Chakotay, I need you to keep going like you did when we met on Starbase Twenty-Seven and I told you how I-” 

She couldn’t keep the thought going as he switched to suck on her other nipple, teasing her clit with his thumb again as he twisted his fingers deep inside of her.

“The next time I end up behind you, I’m moving us in front of the bathroom mirror so that I can see the way your face looks, watch you react, and you… can see just how good we look together.”

His words intensified her enjoyment of his touch, as she pictured what he was describing, heard the passion in his voice, not just desire (though there was that in spades) but something beyond that. As much as her feelings for Chakotay scared her to think about, Kathryn found she was in no doubt as to the fact that the strength of them was mutual.

She grabbed both sides of his head with her hands, pulling his face back to hers to kiss him hungrily, rocking insistently against him. The truth was that she hadn’t been able to so much as run one of her holonovel romance programs without thinking about Chakotay of late. 

When it had been impractical to dwell on wanting to see him more often than when one of them had leave coming, she had pretty much accepted this, that she’d fallen for a man she would never have let herself get involved with if she’d anticipated the result being anything other than a pleasurable fling with an intriguing and handsome stranger. She had things to do: goals. 

Now, well now something more than these stolen days and weeks might be possible… 

The truth was it had never been just a fling. By the time she woke up next to him that first morning, Kathryn already was half gone, and then he’d actually sent her those little daily transmissions he’d said he would, and she had responded instead of shying away. The space between them had created room for them to learn more than just each other’s bodies. She couldn’t crawl in bed next to him every night, but that just meant that instead she talked to him, rambling open communication not interrupted by the distraction of touch.

“Chakotay…” she murmured against his lips, running her fingertips over his cheekbones and across his forehead, before trailing them down his throat and chest downward, kissing him again.

“Kathryn…” he hummed back, saying her name in that way that felt different from anyone else doing it, “Spirits!”

The latter exclamation was provoked as she continued working his uniform open and finally reached a point where her hands reached his erection, one wrapping around the head and the other reaching down to encircle the base. He circled his thumb against her clit, both of them moaning into the other’s mouth.

True, this wasn’t just about sex, but it wasn’t remotely not about it either. Chakotay was gorgeous and giving, and being with him… actually being with him was intoxicating. Her abstract thinking was losing the battle with her physical need, the way he touched her, the way she wanted to touch him.

She gave in to that abandon, squeezing around his fingers, sucking on his bottom lip, moving one hand up and down around his cock while the other stayed in place, her thumb tracing small circles against the tip, gathering the moisture of his precum.

It was difficult to move, as good as the way his fingers were making her feel. She needed to act though, needed to possess him more directly. Regretfully, she moved her hands to his thighs, holding him in place as she pulled away momentarily, licking her way down his body and moving down to the floor to kneel in front of him, as she urged him to lift his hips so she could pull his uniform down and settle between his knees. 

“I never made good on that promise I made yesterday…” she grinned, running her hands over his bare thighs and watching his body arch up off the couch toward her as she leaned in.

“I’m pretty sure I begged…” he groaned, lips parted. 

“You did,” she acknowledged, before slowly running her tongue up the underside of his cock, “But I specifically said I was going to have you begging with my mouth, and then I got impatient and skipped that part.”

His response was incomprehensible, as she sank her mouth down around him, one hand still around the base of and the other moving to cup his balls. She wanted to freeze this moment to keep forever, the beauty of him, the abandon, how she felt in this instant.

Hearing him moan her name was even better than hearing him say it, and the way his legs trembled with each swirl of her tongue was addictive. Too many men, tried to take control of receiving oral sex, to thrust, grab, direct, but Chakotay collapsed back and gave into it, submitting himself to her. 

It made her want to keep going.

“Kathryn…” he gasped, shaking more noticeably, “Let me… Oh!”

His hands were in her hair, but not to pull, just gently holding it out of the way as he stared down at her.

“My... turn,” he managed, moving his hands to her shoulders and gently but firmly guiding her back, so that he could sink down onto the floor with her.

He kissed her deeply, hands running over her breasts before nudging her backward to the floor, caressing her skin as he finished undressing her, nuzzling and kissing her face as he touched her. She tried to pull him down on top of her, but he shifted, lowering to press his face against her stomach, and then still lower.

Oh. So much better than what her memory could recall. Kathryn didn’t bother holding back her moans, writhing in pleasure against the rug as Chakotay caressed her clit with his tongue, thorough and unhurried. Her body throbbed in response, the ache of her emptiness in stark juxtaposition with the tingling ecstasy of the warmth of his mouth against her and his hands running over her thighs.

She grabbed at one of them, pulling it inward, too distracted to form a sentence and felt him smile against her.

Kathryn whimpered at the feather light tonight of his fingertips along her opening, pushing her hips up into his face, arching to press closer, and then gasping in relief as she felt a finger, slick with her arousal, press into her.

He pressed against that same spot, continuing the constant slow lapping of his tongue and she groaned. All she had to do was lie back and let him continue and she was moments away from a toe curling orgasm: screaming, shaking, complete abandon.

Not yet. 

“Want to…” more moaning “on you… around… you,” she choked, sitting up and pushing on his shoulders with her feet, whimpering as she succeeded in urging him from her.

She could have waited, could have let him coax her to release once or twice, maybe even three times, before taking him inside of her, but there was just something about the ecstasy sliding down onto him before that first peak, the intensity of the build up, the way she could hardly breathe. It would feel good later, all soft please and trembling satisfaction, but there was something about the hard edge of before and she needed that right now.

Chakotay had fallen back onto his knees, licking her from his lips before reaching the hand he’d been using to finger her up to his mouth and doing the same with it. 

She put one hand around his neck and the other against the opposite hip as she crawled onto his lap. She shuddered as as he brushed against her, shifting her grip from his hip to guide him inside of her with a sigh of relief, curling herself around him tightly and shaking.

“I love,” he groaned, “How you know exactly what you want.”

“I want you,” she breathed, slowly moving only partly up his length before coming back down to maintain the intensity of contract while providing friction, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her chest against his, “I… love… you.”

She threw her head back slightly, giving in to the wave of pleasure as she moved back onto him as far as possible, taking him inside her so completely, her eyes locked on his as she watched him react to her movements and her words, felt him hold her more closely, and time blurred for a moment as she cried out in ecstasy. 

“Tell me you meant me and not the orgasm,” he murmured into her ear as she collapsed against his chest, shaking.

“I meant you,” she confirmed, caressing behind his ears and down the nape of his neck, “I’ve fallen in love with you, Chakotay, impractical as that may be.”

“I love you too, Kathryn,” he pulled his face back to look into hers, cradling her cheek with one hand as the other stayed splayed across her back supporting her in her boneless feeling post orgasm state, “I’ve wanted to tell you, but I thought I might scare you off.”

“I’ve known for a while,” she admitted, “For both of us. It just took me some time to realize that not acknowledging it wasn’t going to keep us from experiencing the same loss if this ended.” 

“Just because you lost him doesn’t mean you’ll lose me,” Chakotay told her softly pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I know,” she replied, comforted by his intuitive understanding of why she might be a little hesitant to give her heart again, “And I don’t want you to think you are just a novelty to me, Chakotay.”

He’d confessed to her how much he’d been hurt by people, by women, who saw him as something exotic, a mystery, a symbol. She knew in her heart that was why he was so bothered by her evasions.

“I don’t mind that you find me novel, Kathryn,” Chakotay told her, “Because, it’s me that you are curious about, not some discrete category you want to fit me into.”

“Besides,” she couldn’t help smiling playfully, “You seem to enjoy my method of investigation.”

“Immeasurably,” he agreed, and she pressed her lips to his, slowly starting to move around him once more, now that she’d caught her breath and her legs’ shaking had slowed.

He met her movement with an equal amount on his part, running his fingertips along her spine and sending a renewed shiver of anticipation through her. 

The rushed impatience of earlier was sated, and Kathryn continued with her movements leisurely, enjoying the feeling of him, the way they were able to find an easy rhythm, the way cupped her breasts, keeping them from jostling as their pace naturally gradually increased.

Chakotay pressed his forehead against hers and she nuzzled into the contact, gripping his broad shoulders tightly as she moaned his name softly, his thumbs rubbing against her nipples with every thrust she made.

“I love you,” she gasped again, squeezing and circling her hips against him and his eyes rolled back as his mouth opened in a wordless cry, body stiffening as she felt his release wash over that front wall and sends her into shaking and clutching around him again.

“One of these days,” Chakotay chuckled, still holding her close in his arms as she stayed wrapped around him, “We are actually going to make it to the bedroom before we get started.”

A mixture of contentment and a little pang of something else overtook Kathryn, as she thought about that notion. She did love him, but that didn’t mean they would ever get the chance to spend that kind of time together. A part of her worried that she’d inadvertently given him the impression of a promise she couldn’t make.

“I don’t know,” she batted the thought away with a playful response, “We still have so many more surfaces left to try.”

She buried her face in the reassuring comfort of his skin, breathing in the reassurance of his closeness.

Eventually, they did have to get up. As Kathryn crawled into what she realized she already thought of as her side of the bed, Chakotay stood in the doorway watching her.

“What?” she asked, feeling suddenly a little self conscious, despite everything.

“Just memorizing the sight of you like this,” Chakotay ducked his head, as though he also was embarrassed, “I’m guessing your earlier evasions mean I’m not going to be seeing you much for a while.”

She should tell him she thought, but somehow she wasn’t ready to, not until she’d made a decision.

“It’s not settled yet,” she answered vaguely instead, “But that’s an unfortunately probable possibility. Come to bed,” she sighed, “It’s cold here without you.”

It had been a long and eventful day and she found she was exhausted, once the adrenaline started to dissipate. She nestled herself under Chakotay’s arm, curling around the side of his body, and drifted to sleep.

It was still dark when she woke.

Chakotay was warm behind her as she lay on her side, facing the edge of the bed. One of his arms was curled around her waist, and Kathryn tried to give in to the comfort of him beside her and fall back asleep but she couldn’t seem to.

It would be easy, she realized, to tell Owen she would take the position here in San Francisco and wait for the new ship. She could come home to Chakotay every night, enjoy his cooking and his company, his dry wit and his passion. No one would question her. If pressed, she could even justify that this was an opportunity to make important connections by being at the hub of Fleet activity. 

That wasn’t what she went into Starfleet for. She’d miss the stars. Who knows if, having taken a job here, she would ever actually go out there again?

Finally she slipped out from under his embrace and stepped onto the cold floor. Chakotay murmured a little in his sleep, reaching for her, but she stroked his hair and he nestled back into the pillow and settled. Closing the door behind her, Kathryn went into the living space and powered up his work station, figuring if she couldn't sleep she could at least get some work done.

The chronotron told her it was a little after two hundred hours. She had about a dozen communiques in her inbox, mostly congratulations from people who had heard about her promotion already. True to his word, Owen had his assistant send her the schematics for that new Intrepid class starship. Maybe that would put her back to sleep Kathryn decided, as she started to download the files onto a spare PADD. 

Retrieving the handwoven blanket from the back of the couch to wrap around herself, Kathryn settled her legs under her and began to read. It was nothing she expected. Neural Circuitry? Gel Packs? She didn’t remember having gotten up to replicate a cup of coffee but there it was in her hand when Chakotay discovered her four hours later, the sunlight filtering through the curtains, engrossed in studying every detail of the plans provided to her.

“Good book?” he asked, standing in the doorway sleepily.

“Ship schematics,” she couldn’t hide her excitement, “I’ve never seen anything like them. I think I understand what Will, meant last night… about finding The Ship.”

He looked a bit confused, but didn’t push the issue just yet. She knew he was doing that thing where he gave her time to come round to being ready to talk about it… That was for a certain amount of time. Eventually he’d hit a point where all of his patience ran out and he’d be abruptly blunt.

“I’ll explain later,” she promised, “Once I’m sure what this means.”

“As long as it doesn’t mean I have to compete with a starship for your affections…” he shrugged, and she found herself setting down the PADD and dropping the blanket as she crossed over to him.

“You aren’t in competition with anyone on that score,” she promised, twining her arms around his neck and pressing up to kiss him on the cheek, “Let alone a ship. How would you feel about making a trip out to Indiana tonight, though?”

“You want me to meet your family?” he surmised correctly, sounding surprised but not displeased.

“Only if you are up for it,” she nodded, “And hopefully only my mother.”

She needed to visit her mother, and wanted to know what she thought: both of Chakotay and the commission options, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to subject him to Phoebe.

“I’d love to, Kathryn,” he told her with the utmost sincerity, leaning down to kiss her softly.

Despite Chakotay’s not having to be back at the Academy until noon, he almost ended up being late. A leisurely breakfast, followed by an even more leisurely shower, and finally getting around to making use of his bed, all added up to it being afternoon by the time Kathryn finally called her mother.

“Katie?” Gretchen Janeway looked suspicious, “That doesn’t look at all like your quarters. Where are you?”

“It isn’t,” she smiled fondly at her mother, “I’m planetside right now. I’ll explain the rest later. I was thinking I’d come visit today.”

“And…” her mother smiled knowingly, “Will you be bringing anyone with you?”

Her mother could read her better than almost anyone. She told herself she shouldn’t be surprised that she’d guessed why she wasn’t in some standard issue Starfleet box.

“If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. I’m glad I’m finally going to get to meet this mystery man of yours.”

“What do you mean?” she insisted. Kathryn had very carefully not discussed Chakotay with her mother, knowing how impossible it was to maintain any pretense about such things with her.

If she’d mentioned him, her mother would have been able to read just how important he actually was to her, and she wouldn’t have let it go, not until Kathryn admitted things she hadn’t been ready to.

“You think I don’t know when you start visiting Earth more frequently than usual and you don’t even bother to stop by?” 

Kathryn couldn’t argue with that one. She supposed she had been visiting a lot more often since she met Chakotay.

“Alright,” she conceded, “Please don’t invite Phoebe. One of you is enough for one evening.”

“”Fine,” her mother agreed, “When are you coming over?”

“When Chakotay finishes up his office hours, so probably around six,” she told her.

“Not that I’m not thrilled, but why the sudden interest in having him meet the family, Katie?”

“It just seemed like the time,” Kathryn started to evade, but she stopped herself, “Actually, there’s a real possibility that I’m going to be seeing you both a lot more often.”

“A new commission? Wait…” Gretchen squinted, “Is that a fourth pip on your collar? You made Captain already!”

“It is, and yes I’m getting a new assignment.”

“On Earth?”

“Maybe,” Kathryn hesitated, “They’ve given me an option.”

“And you’re worried that if you choose based on this Chakotay that you’ll grow to resent him for it,” her mother finished successfully guessing the rest.

“I’m not sure what to do. There are other reasons to consider it,” she admitted, “If I take the research position, Admiral Paris says that there’s a real chance I could be chosen for this new prototype ship and…”

“Let me guess. You aren’t sure if you want to take that option because you are in love with the ship or the man or if it’s both.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure about him, I just can’t make my decision based off that.”

“Darling, I’ve never known you to let anything get in the way of your goals. Why would this be any different?”

“It just is,” she sighed.

Gretchen smiled, “You’re so much like your father,” she sighed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It means I know better than to try and convince you.”

“If only you could get other people to take that approach,” she laughed, “Did I tell you I ran into Will Riker of all people on the shuttle here?”

“You didn’t,” her mother shook her head, “What did he have to say for himself.”

“That he’s IN LOVE with the Enterprise,” she rolled her eyes.

“The Enterprise my ass,” Gretchen protested, “From what I’ve heard from the old gossip mill, it’s the ship’s Betazoid counselor that’s keeping him there.”

It couldn’t be. Hadn’t Will gotten all moony back when he was a lieutenant over a betazoid woman… Dianora, Rianna? She couldn’t quite remember but there was something there. Kathryn was going to have to give him a good raking over the coals about that one. 

“Thanks for the insight,” she smiled, “I am going to enjoy watching him squirm.”

“Judge not, lest you be judged, Kathryn,” her mother warned, but she was still smiling.

“I want you to be honest about what you think about Chakotay with me,” Kathryn hesitated, “ I’m concerned I’ve lost my objectivity when it comes to him.”

“If he’s got you this twisted up that’s an achievement in of itself. I’m looking forward to meeting the man who could work his way into your emotions so deeply.”

“Do try and keep from embarrassing me,” she replied like she was a teenager again, before ending the transmission.

Gathering up her PADD and checking her reflection in the mirror before heading out, Kathryn headed down to grab a cup of coffee before she met Chakotay.

“Looks like someone is arriving back to headquarters a little late,” Will’s voice startled Kathryn from behind as she was walking across the courtyard, “I’ll take your admission that I was right any time.”

“Good morning, Will,” she turned and smiled brightly at him. Nothing was going to phase her today.

“I’d classify this as a walk of shame… if you seemed ashamed.”

“Funny thing about that, my old friend,” she chuckled, patting him on the shoulder, “The reason I didn’t want to be set up yesterday was because I’ve actually been seeing someone for a while.”

“Oh?” he looked taken aback.

“I didn’t want to say anything; because, well you know how fleet gossip can be and I’ve been working towards promotion.”

“And now?”

“Well, let’s see,” she gestured towards her newly replicated captain’s pips, “I’ve been promoted, and you were right, Chakotay is simply perfect for me.”

“Chakotay?” Will paused, “You mean to tell me you were already seeing him? Why the ruse?”

“Well, Commander,” she laughed, “It was just too funny not to let you stew a little.”

It had felt good to tell Will the truth. Kathryn realized that for all that it had seemed like a good idea initially, trying to keep her relationship with Chakotay a secret had been wearing on her for quite some time. 

“That wasn’t nice, Kate, after I went to the trouble of finding just the right guy.”

“You mean like it wasn’t nice to you to act like your reason for staying on the Enterprise had nothing to do with a woman, when here I’ve been hearing that empath you almost gave up your commission over has been onboard the whole time.”

“It’s not…” Will stopped short, “Deanna and I are just good friends now. I’m certainly not turning down promotions based on some out of date…”

“Imzadi…” she remembered, “That was the word you used wasn’t it? I remember because I’d never heard you talk about any of the women you’ve been with that way.”

Will was uncharacteristically quiet for once.

“You see here’s what I think. I think you are still trapped in the same faulty logic I was just yesterday, Will. When we were going through the academy, both of us decided that too intense of a connection to someone was detrimental to our careers, so we both have tried to keep our liaisons casual. We both failed early on, you with Deanna and me with Justin, but we took the wrong message from those heartbreaks. The problem isn’t that we cared about someone, Will. The real problem is lying to ourselves and the people around us, too scared to admit that it’s happened. That’s why you are still a commander on the Enterprise being _friends_ with Deanna, and that’s why I didn’t tell you I knew Chakotay.”

As she said it, Kathryn realized it was true. She wasn’t going to hide anymore though.

“I’m in love with him, though, and I’m not going to be afraid of that anymore. I’m not going to waste precious time and energy pretending and I believe that will make be a better officer that insisting I’m not distracted ever did, not to mention a happier individual.”

“Well…” Kathryn turned to find Chakotay clapping as he walked towards them, “That was quite the speech, Kathryn. You really don’t do anything by halves, do you?”

“Fortune favors the bold,” she smiled crookedly at him, “Regretting the change already?”

“Never,” he replied, taking her hands in his and leaning in towards her.

“You only say that because you have yet to meet my mother,” she teased, closing that last little bit of distance between their faces.

“Her mother’s fine,” Will interrupted, reminding them that he was still there, “It’s the sister you have to watch out for.”

“Watch what you say about my sister, Will,” she protested, even though she’d pretty much said the same thing. Phoebe was her sister though. It was different.

“Sure, Captain,” Will put up his hands in mock surrender, with a wink.

“When is your mother expecting us?” Chakotay asked.

“Sometime in the next half hour or so,” she replied, “We’d better head to the transporter station if you’re ready. Think about what I said, Will,” she added, before turning to leave.

“What was that about?” Chakotay asked, placing one hand gently on the curve of her lower back as they walked.

“Just clearing the air,” she replied, leaning in closer to him.

This felt right. That had been the thing all along, Kathryn realized. Since she’d met Chakotay, she’d felt a sense of ease and comfort underlying the excitement and tension.

 _Doing the right thing feels right, Goldenbird._

Her father's words echoed in her ears. She’d scoffed, pointing out that often the right thing was difficult, unpleasant even. He’d just shook his head and told her that she’d understand someday, that doing something daunting or distasteful didn’t feel the same as doing something wrong, and that doing something selfish or indulgent didn’t feel the same as doing something right.

“Anything I should know before meeting your mother?” 

“She’s forthright, incisive, opinionated…”

“So, a lot like you,” he smiled.

“Everyone had always said I am like my father,” she shrugged.

“You can’t be both?”

“I guess…” she hesitated, “What about you? Which parent did you get your wicked sense of humor from?”

“My mother. She was the one who made everyone laugh,” he sighed, “My father… Well he’s difficult.”

The tension in his voice was almost as obvious as the way his posture tightened. Clearly a sore subject.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, suddenly missing her own father terribly. Was she wrong to think that he would have liked Chakotay, would have appreciated the way he circled around problems, sometimes going in sideways and others head on?

“Don’t be,” Chakotay seemed to shake himself out of the gloom that had been descending on him, “Hopefully you’ll never have to meet him.”

The Indiana evening was warm this time of year, a sharp contrast from the cool foggy afternoon they’d left behind in San Francisco. 

“Should I have brought something for your mother,” Chakotay considered, revealing a hint of nervousness, as they walked up the pathway towards her childhood home.

“You brought the most precious thing in the world with you,” her mother’s voice floated out of the doorway, “My daughter.”

“Chakotay, meet my mother, Gretchen Janeway,” Kathryn blushed as she always did when her mother said things like that.

“A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Janeway.”

“Call me Gretchen,” her mother replied, gesturing them inside, “Katie has told me… absolutely nothing about you, which means you must be very important to her.”

Chakotay quirked an eyebrow at her in response, but Kathryn merely took his hand and led him inside.

The farmhouse remained virtually unchanged from her childhood, comforting in its familiarity, the corner between the living room and the kitchen still marked with her and Phoebe's names and different dates at different heights from when they were still growing.

“Can I get you anything, Chakotay?” her mother asked, “Tea? Lemonade? I won’t bother asking Katie what she wants because it’s always coffee.”

Kathryn didn’t bother protesting, since she did want coffee.

“Tea would be nice, thank you.”

“So,” her mother started, setting the drinks down on the coffee table and sitting across from where Kathryn had settled them on the sofa, “Kathryn mentioned office hours, you teach at the Academy I take it?”

“Yes. Tactics.”

“You must be good at it,” she smiled, “After all, you managed to snare, my daughter.”

“Actually,” Chakotay grinned conspiratorially, flashing those dimple of his at her mother, “I’m relatively certain that she’s the one who did the ensnaring.”

They all turned, as the door opened behind them to admit her sister. Of course. Why Kathryn had thought that she could come home without her sister knowing was beyond her.

“What’s with all the secrecy?” Phoebe demanded, “Afraid I’ll steal your new man?”

“People aren’t possessions, Phoebe,” Kathryn rolled her eyes, “Chakotay, meet my sister, Phoebe.”

“I take it this is the one Riker warned me about?” Chakotay chuckled.

“The one and only,” Kathryn confirmed.

“Will Riker has no business warning anybody about anybody,” Phoebe huffed.

“As opposed to you… with the flawless decision making?” Kathryn felt the bile rising up in her, that immature childish need to lock horns with her sister and tear each other apart.

It was always worst when they hadn’t seen each other in a while. 

“Here we go again,” her mother turned to look at Chakotay, “ They’ve been like this since they were girls. We’d best let the two of them get it out of their system so why don’t you help me in the kitchen and I can ask all you all the inappropriate questions that Katie would object to in peace.”

Chakotay followed her out of the room, with only one small glance back at Kathryn. She wasn’t really worried. For all her complaining, Kathryn knew her mother was really a very reasonable person who wasn’t likely to make a guest feel uncomfortable.

“Good looking and obedient,” Phoebe whistled, “Where did you dig that one up?”

“Don’t be crass,” Kathryn got up and started pacing, “Could you just once, in your life, not insist on making a scene so that everything is about you?”

“About me?” Phoebe rejected the idea out of hand, “As if I could ever hold a candle to precious Katie, the star, the legacy, always so perfect.”

“So that’s your story now… You’re jealous because I know what I want out of life?”

“That would be new and different. You’ve always done what’s expected, been their perfect little robot. Have you ever made a genuine decision in your whole life, or do you just plug everything into that equation of what you’re supposed to do?”

“Oh, as opposed to you, who just never chooses anything at all, drifting from one thing to another: no goals, no plan.”

Why was it that she and Phoebe always felt the need to pick each other apart? It was childish and stupid, and yet somehow her sister seemed to bring out the worst in her this way.

“At least I’m honest about what I’m doing. Tell me, does that man in there have any idea how easily you’ll drop him the moment he becomes inconvenient? I’m guessing not, I’m guessing that he’s in there thinking that because you brought him here this actually is going somewhere.”

Kathryn opened her mouth to spew more insults but suddenly they all seemed irrelevant.

“It is going somewhere,” she replied quietly.

Something in her tone caught Phoebe’s attention; because, she didn’t respond with skepticism, instead actually looking Kathryn in the eye for the first time that day.

“You really mean that, don’t you?” she exclaimed, “That’s not just some empty platitude you’re saying to maintain the high ground.”

“Just because something isn’t innovative, doesn’t mean it’s empty or fake, Phoebe… I do sound like a cliche don’t I?”

They sat down on the couch next to each other, silent for a moment.

“I shouldn't have assumed,” Phoebe acknowledged. 

“It’s not like you didn’t have any reason to think it. There was a time when maybe you would have been right.”

“After dad died, it was like you stopped being a real person. You weren’t my sister anymore, just some soulless Starfleet officer spewing Federation doctrine. You might as well have died too.”

“Do you have any idea how hard it was even getting out of bed, Phoebe? Trying not to go over how maybe it was my fault, how if I’d done something different the two most important men in my life might still be alive. Routine and principles… that’s the only thing I had to hold onto. So yes, maybe I was a little overly focused, detached, but it’s the only thing that I had to help me claw my way out of that terrible emptiness.”

“You chose to be alone. You could have had me, mom… but you turned your back on us when we needed you.”

“You didn’t need to be dragged down by my self pity. I didn’t have any comfort to offer you.”

“You know, for someone who is supposedly so bright, you can be incredibly stupid, Katie.”

“Phoebe, I’m tired of fighting over things we can’t change. We are never going to see things the same way and I can’t go back and do things differently, even if I wanted to.”

“You know, I came here because I thought maybe we could just get along this time, that I could meet this new man in your life and embarrass you a little with some stories from when we were younger and we could all laugh and this once you wouldn’t be ashamed of me.”

Her choice of words hit Kathryn hard: ashamed. Chakotay had accused her of the same thing just yesterday. Why was it that she seemed to make the people she cared about feel like they weren’t good enough in her eyes? Just because she had certain standards for herself didn’t mean she expected everyone else to be her. 

“Why would you think I’m ashamed of you?”

“It’s obvious. You never introduce me as your sister Phoebe the artist, just the mess, the problem. I’ve always been too untidy for you.”

“That’s not true,” Kathryn slumped back against the couch, “I’ve had your work displayed in my office, in my quarters, on every ship I’ve been assigned to.”

“You do?” Phoebe looked genuinely surprised.

“Of course I do, you dummy.”

She reached out and put her arm around her sister’s shoulders.

“I guess if this Chakotay is going to be my brother in law, we’d better rescue him from mom’s interrogation,” Phoebe cracked a mischievous smile.

“I never said-” Kathryn started to protest, before recognizing her sister’s playfulness, “Fine. Let’s go check on them; although, Chakotay’s just as likely to have finessed all kinds of information out of our mother as the reverse.”

“That sounds far more dangerous,” Phoebe conspired. 

They found Chakotay and their mother in the middle of discussing the merits of different squash preparations, but Kathryn had the distinct feeling that the conversation had been something else innocuous before they’d heard the movement coming from the living room.

“I’m sorry if that was awkward,” she apologized to Chakotay leaning in to press a kiss against his cheek as she sat down next to him at the counter.

“Believe me, you didn’t start flinging things at one another, so that was mild compared to some of the tiffs that Sekaya and I have gotten into,” he promised her with a soft dimpled smile. Whether is was actually true or not, it felt reassuring.

It wasn’t until dinner was cleared away and Chakotay enquired about Phoebe’s art and the two headed into the hallway, which served as an informal gallery, that Kathryn finally got a moment to talk to her mother.

“Well?” she asked.

“I can’t possibly tell you anything you don’t know,” her mother smile and shrugged.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“He’s delightful, devoted, and clearly making you happier than I have seen you in years. You know all this. You know what you want to do.”

“Do I?” she demurred.

“You are just looking for a justification you feel comfortable with, Kathryn. So go ahead and pick the explanation that’s the most palatable.”

“I’m not…” she started to protest, but then she remembered her reaction to Phoebe earlier, how she’d insisted that she was serious about a future with Chakotay, and how she’d insisted the same to Will earlier. 

Maybe her mother was right. Maybe last night when she’d let the words I love you spill out of her mouth she’d already decided that she was staying.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself, Kathryn. Besides, it isn’t as if you aren’t also making a sound career move. Owen has always been a strong advocate for you; he would never have suggested that research position if it weren’t a solid choice.”

“Research position?” Chakotay’s voice came from the doorway.

They’d never ended up having that conversation about the future last night or this morning had they? 

“It sounds like the two of you have things to talk about,” her mother noted, clearly picking up on the shift of energy in the room.

“Kathryn?” Chakotay seemed suspicious regarding the import of her mother’s words.

“Let’s go on a walk,” she suggested, heading towards the back door.

“I take it this has something to do with your new commision.”

“They offered me a choice,” she admitted, “A ship headed for deep space now, or some research here at Headquarters while I waited for a new prototype to be developed.”

“The schematics from this morning?” he was quiet beside her, “Why didn’t you want to talk about it? Yesterday you said you would and then today you brushed me off.”

“I hadn’t made a decision… or at least I hadn’t realized I’d made one.”

“You could have told me that, Kathryn,” Chakotay rebuked her softly, “I wouldn’t have tried to control your decision.”

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up,” Kathryn replied, “It seemed cruel.”

“Is that really true?” he questioned, doing that thing where he pierced right through the things she told herself to a deeper truth, “Or did you not want to admit to me that it was a choice, if you chose to go into deep space and put us on hold indefinitely?”

His voice was low, measured, but it cut more deeply than Phoebe’s harsh words earlier.

“I was going to tell you,” she insisted, “Either way. I think I just knew that if I saw the hope and worry in your eyes that would make up my mind for me… and I wanted to decide on my own.”

“Sometimes you perplex me, Kathryn. You can be so straightforward in a lot of ways, but then there’s times like these where you do these mental gymnastics that complicate everything.”

“I know I can be hard to deal with,” she sighed, stopping to lean against a tree, “Hard to love.”

“That is not what I said,” Chakotay reached out, running his hand over her hair, “Loving you is terribly easy. Knowing how best to show that love is another matter.”

“I’m not just staying for you,” she had to tell him, “I need you to understand that.”

This wasn’t a romantic gesture. It was her life and Chakotay had to understand. 

“But you are staying?” his face was full of gentle hope, “For that ship of your dreams maybe?”

“I’m staying,” she confirmed, “For both of you, for me.”

“And that,” he grinned, “Is the best reason of all.”

She ran her fingers through his hair, pressing herself up against him as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Intrepid class...” Chakotay murmured, “The name suits you.”

“You aren’t worried about what will happen to us when the ship is ready?”

“I’m not,” he told her and it felt genuine, “Whenever I’m with you I feel a sort of peace I can’t explain. I have… confidence,” Kathryn got the sense he’d replaced a more esoteric word there for her benefit, “If after six months of being mostly apart we can see a future, in a few years together we can find a way to build it.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a hopeless romantic, Chakotay?”

“No. Because I haven’t been before. Not like this.”

“I find that difficult to believe,” she scoffed.

“Feel free to interrogate my exes.”

“I’d rather investigate you firsthand,” she laughed, placing a light kiss on his lips.

“I’m more than happy to provide full access,” he chuckled.

“Take me home, Chakotay,” she whispered, “Let’s go home.”

She could have lied to herself, and to him, pretended that she was going to stay at whatever official accommodations they were going to provide her, but today she’d already found half Chakotay’s drawers cleared for her, before she’d said anything about staying. Her favorite conditioner was in the shower and the coffee mugs had somehow migrated from the top shelf of the cabinet to one she could actually reach without climbing on something.

“By all means,” he agreed, smiling at her phrasing, “There’s something I have to grab from inside, though, before we go.”

“Oh?” 

“Your sister offered me a portrait of you. I figured I’d hang it in my office, so all those cadets you like to tease me about would be constantly reminded, that I’m spoken for.”

“Hopefully it’s not one of her more abstract pieces,” she quipped, but she did like that idea; she liked it immensely.


End file.
